Sunday, December 07, 2008

My cure for my candy.

The psychiatrist told me to take Danrobpethoffcin as my cure for my slight philophobia. It’s been a year since I had it. Thank goodness, it didn’t turn into a severe pain that might drown me in despair. He told me the early symptoms I should have seen but me, myself, didn’t notice it at all. Maybe because I was bedazzled by it’s effect on my entire body. “How did I get it?” I asked him. But he returned the question just by staring at me, which obviously meant that the answer is within me.

I looked back to my memory and instantly, I had phantasmagoria of happy memories while ignoring the little details of sad and regretful moments. I smiled while tears ran down my face. I then started to speak slowly as if every words took time embracing their momentarily existence. I told him all. From the day I found this freakin’ly delicious milk-coated chewy candy bar in an online candy store made from another country, which is five hours earlier of my time, until the day it became rare to have.


I admit, I was addicted to it. I’m selfish. I stay up late just to have it and so no one will bother to ask me to share it. I sometimes cry when it is not available online. I will hate it for a moment but I will still love it in the next few minutes even if I didn’t have it by then. I didn’t get tired of eating it every night even if it’s hard to chew. It’s not that sweet but I can tell, it’s distinctive taste made me crave for it. I swear I was an addict. I collect each and every cute pictures together with it and I watch its commercials over and over again. I make fun of some pictures and just staring at some of them makes me the happiest living person in the planet. Again, I’m an addict. But just this mid-year, it became limited. I can only get to have it on certain days and there’s only a slight chance of getting a free picture in it.

That’s when my symptoms became visible. I didn’t notice it until this psychiatrist analyzed me. He said I was sad… I was depressed… I was nostalgic… I was an addict. I missed it more than my real self. “That’s your problem,” he said. I forgot about my little self who’s just wandering inside of me and this super delicious candy bar made it invisible to my eyes. I cried. I was confused. I got lost of my track. I didn’t know what to do next. It’s like all the problems, even the non-related, jumped into my mind all at once trying to fit each of themselves and pushing others around. A river of tears streamed across my cheeks and meaningless words came out of my mouth. “Hush. Relax.” he said and slowly stood up and went to his table. I became quiet giving my tears the opportunity to show how I feel.

He went back carrying a tray and placed it on a table in front of me. On it, there was a white bottle and beside it was a flat round-shaped brown-colored tablet. “You can have it if you like. Anyway, it’s really for you,” he told me. I hesitated. It looks old… like it was left alone in a shelf for a long time and just waiting for someone to have it. Without a doubt, I took it and popped it in my mouth. But then, it suddenly came to my mind that he didn’t say anything about it. Will it fill my head with air as if I’m on a high or will it kill me so that I will get away with everything quickly? Am I being deceived again? I chewed it. A moment later, a flavor of chocolate had spread in my tongue. It was a different kind of chocolate because it also tickles me. I was enlightened. I was relieved. It filled me with love. It was like a breath of fresh air. I liked it a lot. “Thank you,” I said and he replied with a very warm welcome.

It’s been months now and I kind of moved on to this new tablet which makes me feel satisfied. Every time I eat it, it gives the taste that I like… the simple joy that I need. I keep in a very safe place. A place where no one could find it. Haha! Funny because I still have this selfish attitude. But why wouldn’t I be? The label says it is for me. And it is better than my old freakin’ly delicious milk-coated chewy candy bar. But ok, I confess… I still somehow crave for it but just a teeny-weeny-tiny bit. Nothing more. But the tablet? It’s the best cure for me by far.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

[not] Happy Birthday!

It's my birthday and I should be happy, right? But I still feel cold and alone even if I'm surrounded by people close to me.
There's something missing. Someone. Something I so badly want but couldn't feel it. It's like I can almost taste it but it keeps getting away. Is it in me? Hmmm.. I guess just a part of it. If I peek out of my closet, will it be a good move? It's either a chance or a risk. But the thing is that I'm afraid. Afraid of things that might get wrong... might change. I still haven't found someone whom I can give my full trust. The one that can understands me. Love? What's that? Is it a type of food? Never tasted one. Well, actually if I had eaten one without knowing it is already love, I can say it's bitter or somehow tastes like water or a certain ingredient is missing. Sweet? so you mean it's a dessert? Hmmm... So it's at the end? Well, I don't know if I'm there now. But you got a point. Heck! If I had a chance to know one thing in my future, I would risk asking if we will see each other someday. If our lives will intertwine or be total strangers. Ok so now, my heart is like sinking down and down and it gets heavier and heavier. It feels like someone with enormous hand squeezes me softly and the reservoir on the back of my eyes is about to overflow. Mine is not normal. It's one of the reasons of discrimination. But oh God! What's wrong with that? I'm also a human. The only thing that I might never can avoid is unusual treatment because in the keen eyes of the world, it is not normal. It's still not accepted though it's now out in the open. Ok, I'm so badly in love you and I can't see myself not thinking of you every waking moment of my life. That's why I became addicted to emotional songs. That's why I became poetic. I became sophisticated when I write personal write-ups. I can cry with ease just by thinking of you with the fact that you're not in my waiting arms. I became so afraid that losing you will crush my whole body any minute.. die. In addition to this dramatic sequence, I don't know what's in your head. In your heart. In you. Do you really like me or I'm just having wonderful thoughts that you are or maybe you're just riding along just to make me think that you are.. playing along or some sort. Did I say playing? Or acting? It hurts but I make it not too much obvious. But if I will listen to the little voice screaming in somewhere inside of me, I bet, it's now drowning because of overflowing tears.. and blood. I bleed.. even if I still haven't got to the point where I would be the happiest person in the planet. I skipped through somewhere in the process of.. What do you call that again? Love? And now you're asking why? Two words: False Hope. I keep on believing even if I already know that there's not even a slightest chance. But who knows? I always say to myself that whoever is compared to you, I would still choose you. Am I insane? I'm keeping you locked in a heart-shaped cell and forgot where I placed the keys. Selfish. Heck. Now I want to know your side. Speak up! Either torment me with your candy-coated lies or break me down with your one-time honesty. I'm so badly afraid to lose you and I would keep on telling you that. Sheesh.. I'm pathetic. Vulnerable. Weak. How can I be strong if no one keeps me to be? How can I be stable? Contented? No one has ever tried to make me feel that way. Don't give me advices as if you are the love guru. Don't tell me love is sometimes this, sometimes that, because it pisses me off. Don't tell me that you have experienced it because it's still different. Or rather, after you speak to me all of those nonsense of yours, I would simply say: Nah.. You don't know me.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Chef-d'oeuvre

(she de voä)

- a masterpiece, as of an artist, writer, etc.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Where you from?

Driver: "Uy! kamusta na? San ka galeng?!"

Kaibigan niya: "Sa pagkabata!" /sabay tawa at kita ang nag-iisang ngipin.

Narinig ko habang nakasakay ako sa jeep na naghihintay pa ng mga pasahero. Ako pa lang ang nakasakay kaya iyak-tawa ako na medyo may pagpipigil. *lol*

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Meet and greet. [ver.1]

/sa Airport…/

Ü: /Naka-upo sa isa sa mga seats… may inaantay ata./

Ï: /Looking for someone too… froze nang may namukhaan. Nilapitan./
Ü: /Tumingin./
Ï: /Watery eyes at kinakabahan. Para ngang hindi makahinga e…/ E-excuse m-me, i-ikaw ba s-si Ü?
Ü: Yes. Er… sino ka? /tinitigan si Ï na umaarteng parang hindi kilala./
Ï: A-ako si Ï
Ü: Ï?
Ï: /teary at lalong hindi makahinga sa tono ng narinig./ Oo! Ako si Ï! Di mo na ba ko nakikila?
Ü: Ï? Er…
Ï: Sa Yipee… ako si Ï!
Ü: A! Oo nga! Ï! Teka, ikaw ba talaga yan? Parang iba ka nung nakita kita dun…
Ï: Oo! Ako nga ‘to… pero ngayon at nakita mo na ko, di mo na ko magugustuhan… *sob* pero ok lang. Masaya na rin ako… nakita na rin kita sa wakas. Matapos ang ilang taon kong paghihintay. Sige, alis na ko… /tumalikod./
Ü: Teka! Ano bang sinasabi mo? Kaya nga ako nagpunta rito para sa’yo tapos aalis ka na lang ng ganyan… umiiyak ka pa… ilang taon din akong naghinntay no!
Ï: /lumingon./ Ikaw talaga… *cries* pinapa-iyak mo pa rin ako kahit nagkita na tayo.
Ü: Haaay… nako… halika nga rito!

/They hugged and hugged and hugged./

/talking while hugging.../
Ï: *all smiles* Kala ko… di mo na ko magugustuhan kapag nagkita tayo.
Ü: Pwede ba yon? ikaw pinunta ko dito no! Masaya rin ako kase nagkita na tayo. Namiss kita ng sobra.
Ï: /hugged Ü tighter…/
Ü: Uy! Teka! di na ko makahinga!
Ï: *giggle* Sabi ko sa’yo, kapag nagkita tayo, yayakapin kita ng mahigpit eyung tipong hindi ka na makakahinga.
Ü: *smile* Oo nga pero magyayakapan na lang ba tayo dito?
Ï: Oo… *sigh* ang tagal kong hinintay ang araw na ‘to no!